The terrible poetic crimes of
Torquil Farquhar de Smith


Torquil Farquhar de Smith

Poet Bio(-logical hazard)

Born one stormy night in the depths of winter on the frozen plains of the high plateau above Inverness, Torquil burst forth to bring to the world the poetry that it so badly doesn't need. Filling a gap that needn't be filled, he developed his skills sitting in lonely corners of fields and supermarkets putting pen to paper while pouring out the deep inner torment of his soul.

Torquil went to the Almost A College of Quite Near Stirling where he failed to gain any meaningful qualifications in poetics, crashing out in the first term after submitting a poem entitled 'Oh Where are the horses of destiny?'
Which went like this - this is only part of it, it's 12 pages long.
Oh Where are the horses of destiny?
Oh where are the horses of destiny?
......Are they over here?
.........Or over there?
.......Here?
..........There?
..............Everywhere?
.....Or have they bolted because someone left the stable door open?
............................I think that's what's happened actually.

Happening to be just exactly in the wrong place at the right time, he secured a position as Fraochy Bay town poet. A decision the town has been regretting every since and trying to undo every time they see an opportunity. Oban nearly took him on as their poet but decided against it after reading his poem
"Has anyone seen my Wednesday shoes?"
Has anyone seen my shoes?
The ones I wear on Wednesdays.
They're my favourite midweek type of a shoe.
I bought them in Inverness.


It only gets verse

Oh Hither
Oh Hither and thither
in a dither,
goes I.
And whither
goeth the dither?
Says you.
To see my brither,
Says I.

Pants
They hang on washing lines,
and wait in drawers,
or stare from cellophane bags,
on shelves,
in shops,
like sinister beings waiting
to take over the world.
I quite like my pants though.

Fish and Chips
Oh how I long for the taste
of Fish and Chips,
the vinegar and salt
so shiny on my lips,
batter so crispy,
crunch crunch crunch,
for breakfast or dinner,
or supper or lunch,
perhaps on occasion
for mid-morning brunch.
Given the choice
of any place to abide,
inside a chip shop
I'd choose to reside.

 My Bicycle of Wonder
How can I praise enough
my bicycle of wonder,
It's splendid frame
and handlebars,
the saddle, not too soft,
not too firm,
The gears, smooth
and easy to use.
It's bright red
with little bits of blue.
I once rode my bicycle
from Oban to Dunoon,
after which I couldn't sit doon,
(for about a week).

Xmas Horror & Gaelic Poettocks

Craobhan anns a' ghaoith
Muinntir 'Fraochy Bay'
Cho deidheil air mo bhardachd
Sluagh leirsinneach
Craobhan anns a' ghaoith
Na duilleagan a' tuiteam
Deireadh an t-Samhraidh
Uisge air an uinneig
Chan eil kagoul orm idir
Tha mo chasan fliuch

Oran Rionnach Saillte
Ochoin ho ro,
hi ri, mo chaileag
Dh’ ithinn air truinnsear
sgadan no adag
Rionnach saillte,
sgeit no leobag;
Thčid mi gu bůth an eisg le cabhag!
Ochoin hi ri, ho ro, mo chaileag

Am Bus
O 's caomh leam am bus,
sa mhoch mhadainn trath
Nam shuidh' innt' sa chul,
comfhurtail's blath
ged bhiodh uisge ann a muigh,
bidh sinn doigheal's tioram
Seinnidh sinn oran,
port a beul no iorram!

 Co-Chomunn an Iasgair
Tha Co-chomunn an Iasgair
as fhearr leam fon ghrein
Prisean cho reusant',
gach ni innte gu feum
Fasanan ura a Paris no Milan
Gheibh thu innte oilskin,
hoover no pram...

Torquil The Movie & PIXAR

Redundant and unecessary information about this video:
Grab some pop corn and put your feet up as you enjoy Torquil in glorious 3D!
PIXAR (of Toy Story fame) were asked if they'd do a short movie of Torquil's literary exploits.
We sent detailed drawings along with a description of Torquil and some readings
of his poetry and prose, and a few episodes of Fraochy Bay to watch before they made it.

Strangely Pixar never got back to us so we had to do it ourselves.
Ignore the hair, it's a bit hilarious, we're still learning how 3D hair works.

Starring Torquil Farquhar de Smith
Fly on the wall style mockumentary.

Lastly

The official advice is if you see this man
he is dangerous to your existential wellbeing and should not be approached
not even by a professional who knows what they're doing.

Torquil Farquhar de Smith

The most dangerous man on the planet ever to wield a pen.
Currently No 1 on the FBI's 'least wanted' list.