Kenneth Dingo | Age: 32 | Style: Life is a cliffhanger.
This man is a sculptor. He was in the studio one day having done a small clay model of the famous singer Cliff Richard and was working out the dimensions of a model twice the size when he realised he enjoyed scaling cliffs. Then he went to work in a tannery but found he had no head for hides. His landrover went off the road and shot up the side of a precipice - it was in climbing gear when it happened.
Kenneth would love to start a business selling antique climbing cord but is worried that people might think it's money for old rope. When he's out climbing and has to sleep on the rockface overnight he puts his clothes on a cliff hanger - not that he sleeps much, he's not known to Everest. Once had a three course meal on top of a mountain - Fuji think he is anyway Etna meal on a mountain like that.

The Dodgy Climbers
Age: Various
Style: We Three Clings
These three would-be freeclimbers are learning how to get up a dangerous vertical cliff-face without using ropes or any of that safety nonsense. They find it Alps a lot if they Pyrenees into gaps in the rock as it gives extra support. None of them think it's o-K2 dangle into space, if you slipped and fell thousands of feet you'd likely die which is really quite jarring... Kill-a-man-jars-so.

Howard Banana

Age: 28

Style: Give me back my ten pounds please

He's a bit of a fruity geezer this guy. He's appley married though, to a Kiwi. Got married in Lime Regis. When asked if he likes his unusual name will reply that it's lost it's a-peel. Was once asked by his employers if he'd be pre-peared to move to Iceland for a bit and said "No, just how far can a mango?"

Clarence Flarence

Age: 41

Style: You ain't seen nothing yet

Clarence is the most useless curator in the world of the most useless museum in the universe. Was heavily criticised by the national inspectorate of museums who stated critically that "Clarence Flarence should be trying to educate the public instead of trying to amuseum". A teacher caught Clarence standing in the playground inside a glass case and wrote to his parents that "Clarence has started making an exhibition of himself".

Tarquin Goldbarf

Age: 138

Style: Jabba the small single garage

A master of tranquility, Tarquin oozes calm and serenity - except when he can't find the dishcloths - then he loses his rag. Occasionally puts on extraordinary headgear and says he's off to mad-hat-ate for a while. Had a thing for trendy nostrils but gave it up as he feels there's no future for hip-noses. When asked why he's so fat he said "it's because I'm a fill-a-sofa-er".

George King

Age: 37

Style:Karma Mechanic

George is a nervous little man who runs about doing Tarquin Goldbarf's bidding. Uses a native american trick to help him get about the country, Satellite Navajo-gation. When he’s not working George likes to travel, he’s been to Barcelona but says “It’s Spainfully expensive”, and to Italy where he Romed about for a bit. His least favourite place in the world was Stavanger, he said “There’s Norway I’m going back there again”. Just as we were talking to him his phone rang “It’s Russia” he said “Moscow away now”.

Eck Mackinnon
Age: 53
Style: A spanner in the works
Eck the mechanic is a veritable clown who likes playing practical jokes. He’s also a whizz with engines. Once he made the mistake of putting shellfish inside the engine in an attempt to fit an overhead clamshaft. After that he had to take a brake. He took off one car's exhaust pipe, balanced it on his hat and said to Mike "Look, I'm exhaust-head". He did this to try and make a joke after making Mike angry by putting a large fish into his car's engine in a foolish attempt to make it turbot charged.

Disturbo The Clown

Age: Who Knows how old clowns really are?

Style: Disturbing, and a clown.

Disturbo was racing around and around the ring being chased by the KGB. "There's a bomb! A NUCLEAR BOMB!" he kept shouting but nobody would listen. Round and round they went while everyone laughed. The seconds counted down almost to zero and then - oh, wait a moment, that was one of the James Bond films where he was dressed as a clown at the end and went running round and round trying to tell everyone there was a bomb but they were just laughing because they thought he was a clown.
Disturbo is a real clown and very disturbing - like all clowns.

Geraldo The Chimp

Age: 3

Style: The king of the swingers.
Geraldo is ape-roximately 3 years old although no-one is sure about that. He's a chimp off the old block though. Normally very quiet he can get up to serious monkey business but is always captured quite quickly where he's then sent on to some unsuspecting zoo who foolishly think he'll be-a-boon for their visitor numbers. Never fries or boils his food, he's more of a griller.
Ate only apples for years after deciding he really hated oranges but then suddenly he did a complete orange-u-turn and started eating them again. Was famous for a while for cultivating a wee colourful flower in his cage, people came from miles around to see the chimp’s pansy.

The Newt Circus

Age: 3 months

Style: Watch this! Watch, watch, watch....see?

The Newt Circus hail from Newt Mexico in America. When asked how they like Scotland they usually reply "It's too early to say, we're very newt to this", we think they're probably newtral on the matter. They were once bought by the vet who was going to use them for a new procedure but had actually misheard the customer who had said he wanted his pet snails neutered.
They do lots of clever stuff on high wires and rolling balls, all of which rely on newt-onian physics. They're very modest about their abilities though, "This lizarder than it really is" they'll often say.

The Other Rangers

Age: 21 to 48

Style: Half Power Rangers

These three jolly people spend all day looking after the every whim and requirement of the residents of Oban Zoo (which doesn't actually exist). One of them looks strangely like the Bobban - and that's because they're first cousins although this chap, Wilfred, has a phd in animal husbandry rather than the single 'O' grade that Bobban has (in woodwork). They once went to a party dressed as Muskrat ears and when asked what they were meant to be said they were the three muskrat ears.

Laird Greystoke

Age: 78

Style: Tarzan of the oops.

Laird Greystoke once shot a bumper size monopoly board because he was at that time a big game hunter. Decided to stop killing defenceless creatures and start hoarding them instead thus began his passion - the soon to be opened Fraochy Bay Safari Park where there will be animals safaris the eye can see. As well as safari animals his interests extend to making old china plates into clock faces - crockerydials - and he regularly puts oil on his boot coverings - oily-gaters.

Pluuk & Gluuk

Age: 350 million years

Style: Look at the crop circle, see what we're saying?

These guys are unhappy if anything Mars their image. It's Saturn up for the books if anyone actually gets one of the messages they leave behind in their crop circles. "Venus the human race going to understand what we're saying?!" cried the king of the aliens "One day they will Ur-highness" cried Pluuk.

Colin and Edwina Walton

Age: 48 and 43 respectively

Style: We're holidaymakers on holiday

Colin took Edwina to accident and emergency once after she hurt her arms. The doctor took one look at her and said "You've got holidayitis!". "What's holidayitis?" they both cried. "You've got two-wrists" the doctor cried back.
Colin is a systems analyst with a firm who's systems he analyses all day long. He comes from the northern-middle bit of the UK where everyone hitchhikes if they want to get anywhere - North-thumber-land in other words.

The dealers

Age: all 31

Style: We're trying hard not to look like complete criminals

These guys stand about all day relieving people of their money - a bit like the taxman. They do it quietly and without fuss, no airs or graces and no fiddling either - "We don't believe in violins" they'll say.

Paul Small

Age: 24

Style: What's this man saying here? What's he on about eh?

Paul is one of those questioning types and the question is always "Wot?" One day one of his chickens vanished so he started a hen-quiry. Next day it was his dustbin so a bin-quiry was set in motion. Then the local hotel went bust so he initiates an inn- quiry. A large pot was stolen from his garden so he began an urn-quiry. His sister Ann phoned him yesterday but he didn't do anything about that.

Horatio The Army Fitness Bear

Age: 33

Style: leff-right-leff-right-leff-right-leff

Horatio is bearly able to contain his delight at square- bashing. He'd march all day and night if he could. He even sleeps with an encyclopaedia under his head because it's "in-formation". Loves his men but it's purely platoonic. His friend Reginald called him a name once for a joke but he didn't get it as he didn't understand what Reggie meant. Favourite food is a meal he had once in Lyons (France), stewed bats or "bat-a-Lyons".

Wendy The Healthy Eating Badger

Age: 28

Style: Don't offer me chips! No Don't! Oh go on then...

Wendy is concerned for your eating habits. "Lettuce eat some vegetables" she'll say "It's a turnip for the books if you do". We don't like vegetables, they're rubbish - or you might say they're Carbbage. She had a secret recipe for soup but let it leek. She's worried about getting older "I'm at a rough age" she explained.

Cecil The Fashion Penguin

Age: 42

Style: YELLOW is the new YELLLOWWWW

Cecil went to fashion school and knows all there is to know about trousers. You might say he's got a flare for it. It's in his jeans really. He met his friend Roy standing in a hallway one day and asked "What are you doing in the corridor-Roy?"

Burachbot
Age: 1 day
Style: The Terminutter
If this guy goes away you can be sure he'll be back. Reminds us of the chap that used to work underground digging up oily deposits for making tarmacadam, hated his job, he really did, he was a tar mine hater.
There was this other chap at the same place who used to blow the signal so the tour guides would know when to wrap up their walkaround, he was a tour mine hooter too.

Winston Sminston

Age: 36

Style: Living in fantasyland!

Winston makes his living in Theatreland where he produces musicals, plays, films, anything at all that requires creative genius. His favourite film is about the emptiness of a great sea that was once full of fish but is now empty - Great Ex-packed-oceans. He also enjoyed the film about the amazingly talented chicken that worked as a waiter - The Magnificent Server-Hen. But his favouritest of all films has to be about an irishman suffering from vertigo in space - 2001 a Space O'Dizzy.

Goaty The Goat

Age: 4

Style: I'm going to eat this just try and stop me

Goaty the goat comes from a place you've never herd of. A small herd where none of the goats are related, that live on a hill beside a pillar of stone that was one flicked by a chinese tourist. Flock-o'-no-kin-a-hill-a-pillar-flick- asian.
That's the worst joke in the world ever. What do you expect from a goat? It's goat no sense of humour.

Grilly The Gorilla

Age: nobody knows

Style: I'm gonna sit here in this tree right here

Grilly is some kind of animal consultant, not sure what he actually does though, might be some sort of physiother-ape-ist. Needed some money so went to pawn some jewellery, decided to leave the gold stuff but asked for the silverback. Don't know how old he is but gorillas do live quite a long time simianly, we did ask once but he said "Don't pry- mate".