Brigadier-General Sir Walter Howitzer-Campbell OBE KBE DC MC

Age: 67

Style: Cranky old duffer

Sir Walter, ex-army, is well known for his prowess with the hunting rifle. "I once bagged a wasp off a stag's head from 500 yards, got it mounted in the library, hit it right between the eyes, marvellous shot." Sir Walter, who's completely off his trolley, is married to the Lady Isabella Howitzer-Campbell and they live, beyond their means, in a draughty old castle 2½ miles away from Fraochy Bay.

Lady Isabella Howitzer-Campbell Hnd (Domestic Science)

Age: 58

Style: Lahdeedah Upper Class M'Lady yah

Married to the inestimably bilious Brigadier General Sir Walter Howitzer-Campbell. Horses, safaris, polo, yachts in the carribean, they can't afford any of it so she has to amuse herself watching her husband taking potshots at various small and defenceless creatures. Not very clever at anything, she owns one acre of ground within the Howitzer-Campbell estate (325,000 acres of rock) which she often goes to visit. When there she stands in the middle of it and when asked why she always replies "I like to be able to say that I'm frequently out-standing in my own field".

Gamekeeper Jim Hersheybus

Age: 42

Style: Silent and a bit sideways

Spends his time guiding yahoos round the Fraochy Bay Estate hillsides shooting animals that are innocently minding their own business - no animal too small, distance no object. Favourite film is The 39 Steps, "That bit where the guy is running across the moor being chased by a plane is just brilliant. There he is, running about an empty moor, and the plane manages to lose him". He also reckons he'd have caught the alien in that film Alien unlike the unfortunate Captain Dallas. "Captain Dallas was a bit slow, it was kind of obvious in a "it's behind you" kind of way that it was actually behind him. My keen gamekeeper reflexes mean I'd have whirled around at just the right moment and bagged it."

Horatio Grimes - a Butler

Age: 39

Style: Yes Ma'am

Horatio was once involved in a naval battle. Onwards the enemy came, firing as they went, but Horatio directed his ships in between the enemy vessels and beat the bally lot of them. He also lost his eye and arm, and then was fatally wounded. Em, no wait a moment, that's another Horatio....er....this chap's a butler.

Wilhelmina Harper

Age: 29

Style: The darling of Fraochy Bay

Wilhelmina's been teaching at Fraochy Bay Primary for about 4 years now. All the single men in the village have a crush cos she's lovely. Torquil Farquhar de Smith, Fraochy Bay's terrible poet, has a particularly ferocious crush on her and is in the midst of writing a love song which he can't quite get finished called "I love you, and I love your new car".

Mrs Norma Swail

Age: is it 50 or 60?

Style: Oh dear...

Everything's a problem for poor Norma. She just can't seem to cheer up somehow. Norma is the school headmistress and a fearsome opponent of everything. She's married to the local Totally Independent and Unaffiliated Church O' Scotland minister, Reverend Hollis Swail. When not busy working Norma likes squashing cabbages with a mallet.

Sarge [redacted], Corporal [redacted], Troopers [redacted] & [redacted]

Age: [redacted]

Style: Special Forces

These four gentlemen are special forces elite, best of the best of the best, and they're completely lost. One time, they got mauled by a sheep that was able to go invisible, and they captured a local who at first couldn't speak english but then turns out that she could, anyway the sheep nibbled them all except Sergeant Spanner (Doh! his name's redacted) who shouted "gooooo, runnn, get to de choppah" just like that nice Arnold Schwarzenneger in the film Predator.

Other than that we can't tell you much more because of the Official Secrets Act but one thing we can tell you is that [the entire rest of this section has been redacted and the author arrested.]

Terrence and Adrian (left to right)

Ages: 43 and 56 respectively

Style: Bowl you over

Appearing for only the briefest of brief moments, Terrence Spence edits the Fraochy Bay Baggette, he also writes for it, takes photos for it and prints it. Adrian Walter owns "Adrian's Wall-ter Wall carpets" who do a nice range of deep pile carpets in an assortment of colours. The two of them are great bowling buddies and get up to all sorts of exciting bowling adventures at the Fraochy Bay bowling club, usually on a wednesday.

Mrs G. Stewart

Ages: 47

Style: Slightly dense but basically harmless

"I really like it when George is doing his Ninja training because he's out of the house and I can get on with the hoovering, but I don't like it when he leaps out of cupboards as part of his 'Ninja Attack' coursework. He once embedded a wooden training sword in the sofa by accident and frightened the cat. Poor cat hasn't been the same since, now instead of catching mice it burgles houses."

Mechanic Mike Mackinnon

Age: 36

Style: The Wizard of Autoz

Mike is a third generation Fraochy Bay mechanic and has never been seen in anything other than his orange boiler suit and hat. Single man, only interested in engines and recovering broken down vehicles. Wants to buy a new car but can't a-Ford one, could have bought a new left hand drive car once but prefers to Citroen the right hand side, is the safest driver Honda roads in Fraochy Bay.

Luigi Maclennan

Age: 44

Style: Dyes his own hair and moustache, Italianesque delivery

Second generation Italian, Luigi runs the local Cafe. Speaks gaelic fluently but with a nice Italian twang to it. He originally wanted to be an astronaut but decided to run a cafe instead as he explained to us one day "You know, originally I wanted to be a-da-astronaut but I decided to run a-da-cafe instead".

He likes going for a walk and has been known to Rome widely.

The Cat Burglar

Age: 3 years and 2 months (which makes him...oooh...28.6 human years old)

Style: Fleas a jolly good fellow

This little chap is a purrsistent offender who's sole aim in life is to deprive people of their belongings. He usually comes within a whisker of being caught but always gets away. As sly as they come, he's always looking out for the purrfect crime. He'll get it one day though, when he finds Officer Maclean behind him feline his collar.

Torquil Farquhar de Smith

Age: 29½

Style: Sensitive, genuine scatterbrain, convinced of his own literary genius

Torquil had the good fortune to be holidaying in Fraochy Bay the day the Town Council decided they needed a Poet in Residence. As the only person who applied for the job, which comes with no salary and minimal expenses, he was snapped up....much to everyone's regret.... As well as composing preposterous poetry Torquil likes to compose preposterous songs, plays, short stories, prose, product descriptions, anything that requires words really. His crowning achievement to date is the mini operetta "It's Tuesday Today" which that guy (who's Dad Robin used to own the post office) will be performing very soon.

Mr G. Stewart

Age: 54

Style: Slightly dense but basically harmless

G. Stewart's hobby is growing turnips. He once grew one that was so large it took three people to lift it. "It didn't taste very nice though, turnips that large tend not to" he explained "I prefer smaller ones, no bigger than a football". He's been writing a book about turnips but is yet to find a publisher. When he's not growing turnips Mr Stewart is learning to be a ninja, "I enrolled in this online ninja home study course, they send you a ninja suit and everything, it's great".

Sir Walter Hamme

Age: 58

Style: The Greatest Hamme of All Time

This person was called into existence solely to service the punchline at the end of episode 10. We did think of pairing him up with his old acting partner Anthonio Yeggezz to act in a play so that someone in the audience could turn to a friend and say "you know, there's nothing I like better than a play of Hamme and Yeggezz"....but we decided not to.

Warren Kaplan

Age: 58

Style: Eternally young

This man actually exists and is actually an Opera singer (as well as a good sport). He also looks exactly like his cartoon figure here, especially when he's singing.Visit his website: www.warrenkaplan.com

Humphrey Mackenzie

Age: 27

Style: Are you being swerved?

Co-owner of the Fraochy Bay Gentleman's outfitters, Humphrey spends a great deal of time shuttling dummies back and forth to Kylie's shop for a trim. Humphrey spends a lot of time with his dummies but finds their company worrying. "I've never been the same since that episode of Doctor Who when the dummies come to life and start shooting people through laser guns hidden in their arms - their hands hinged down exposing the gun barrel you see?".... Yes Humphrey...

Retired Police Constable John Dunstable

Age: 74

Style: I used to be able to arrest people

Only this man could get away with marching into HairdoWelly and bellowing 'has my wig arrived yet?' at the top of his lungs. Looks really smart in his wig, don't you think? Owns an open topped sports car, which don't mix well with wigs, and used to be able to arrest people. If he looks at you his eyes say "I used to be able to arrest people like you".

The Running man

Age: 45

Style: Marathon Man II

Don't know who this guy is, he just happened to be running along the road when Mr Dunstable went by. Think he might be a teacher in Lewis or somewhere.... We've changed his name from David Maclennan to The Running Man to protect his identity.

Dr Davey Jones

Age: 28

Style: Indiana Mackenzie

Davey once dug up the fossilised remains of a Belittlasauras, it was small, about the same size as a chicken, had a beak and feathers and everything. A Belittlasauras was a dinosaur that stood about belittling other dinosaurs. At least that's what his professor told him when actually he'd just dug up a chicken.

Miss Laura Potts

Age: 28

Style: Another darling of Fraochy Bay

Laura loves everything literary, she's read all the classics, Shakespeare, everything. She's really smart too. Mr Davey Jones the archaeologist has a bit of a crush, so does the mechanic who sidles in from time to time to look through the obscure seagull and penguin reference section of the library. "I love the library, it's full of adventure, drama, history and cookery books" she said.

Chic "the Director" Smallberg

Age: 33

Style: Stephen Smallberg

Chic loves the theatre so much that everything he does has a theatrical slant to it. "Come out from behind that curtain" said his wife one evening to reprimand him for acting up in front of the kids again, "I don't do encores" he replied. Chic's crowning moment came when he staged his own interpretation of the musical "Cats" which he called "Dogs", which was basically about the same thing except the cats were dogs, oh and there was a vet in it as well. "I don't know, it just seemed right, I can't think about dogs without thinking about vets at the same time".

Derek the Chicken, AKA 'Derek Le Poulet'

Age: 53

Style: Kentucky Fried

Derek wanted to be an actor, so he enrolled in the Fraochy Bay players to get some Thespian time under his belt. His speciality is chicken impersonation and he's so good at it he never gets to be anything else. So far he's played the chicken in Chic Smallberg's productions of "One flew over the Chicken's nest", "The Chicken and I", "Where Chickens Dare", and "For Whom The Chicken Clucks" as well as appearing in the ballet Swoon Lake, written by Fraochy Bay's own Sheena Herzogg the dance teacher, as a chicken.

Bernard Baker (the butcher)

Age: 34

Style: That guy off Dad's Army with the moustache

Don't stray too close to this guy dressed as a chicken or you'll end up in the sausages. Bernard was brought up by Bernard Butcher (the baker) and his wife. Keen for his son to follow in his footsteps Mr Butcher (the baker) was devastated to find his son had a head full of mince and wanted to be not a baker but a butcher. Bernard Butcher (the butcher) then changed his name to Bernard Baker (the butcher) so that people wouldn't get him confused with Bernard Butcher (the baker)....er....

Rooster

Age: 1 year & 5 months

Style: Don't count my chickens

Terribly stylish and devastatingly attractive, to another chicken at least, this rooster is quick off the mark whenever he spots a potential mate (unfortunately for Derek the Chicken). His limitless henergy, boundless henthusiasm, and henchanting personality make him an ideal mate for any lovelorn chickens out there. He's poultry in motion, that's wot 'e is.

Jessie Hamish

Age: 71¼

Style: Dame for a laugh

First half of Fraochy Bay's dynamic duo, Jessie was a tri-athlete in her younger days - she decided to try-athletics and quickly decided she didn't like it. Retired from her job as assistant polecat warden Jessie spends her time with Ina Maclean getting up to all sorts of shennanigans. Enjoys talking but doesn't like writing - cos she's a pen- shunner. init.

Ina Maclean

Age: 68

Style: Have a go hair-o

Second half of Fraochy Bay's dynamic duo, Ina has had an accident with her hair and ended up as a Giant Blueberry. Ina is actually responsible for the birth of Fraochy Bay, it all started when she walked into the police station to report a strange cat in her garden....coming soon, watch this space.... [edit: This episode never materialised. Probably just as well.]

Officer Maclean

Age: 38

Style: I am an officer of The Law

Doesn't live in Letsbee Avenue and has never said to his stomach "you are under a vest". Officer Maclean is the straightest, no-nonsense copper on the beat. Step across the dividing line that separates law abiding citizen from vile miscreant and you'll soon find yourself on the receiving end of a good ticking off. Not prone to saying 'ello 'ello 'ello before he nabs you, there's nothing he enjoys more after a good arrest than rattling up a bowl of scones, his favourite recipe is a-salt-and-raspberry mixture.

Referee Fernando-Guido Swanson

Age: 48

Style: Hey! That was a fowl!

Half Portugese Fernando-Guido Swanson views himself as the Batman of Football, swooping in with red cards flying to punish wrong-doing and rule infringement. He's a soccer for any kind of game from minor league to general kickabout and happiest when he's awarding penalties against whichever side has annoyed him the most. Not a team player - There is no 'I' in 'Team' means 'I am not in your team' as far as he's concerned.

Peter Porter Inventor

Age: 34 with wisdom beyond his years

Style: This man's pot has definitely cracked

Once invented a self-guiding tomato that fed itself into your mouth and almost suffocated when he opened his first bag of them. Peter has applied his genius to over 500 different problems and not really solved any of them properly. Founder member of the Fraochy Bay Inventor's Guild which now has 1 member - himself. Totally potty this man.

Kylie Wylie

Age: 22

Style: Going out tonight? init.

Kylie's not just a hairdresser, she's a stylist. HairdoWelly isn't just any old hairdressing salon either, it's a one-stop total grooming salon for men and women alike! Haircuts, rinses, sets, wigs and extensions are not a problem at HairdoWelly. Kylie will go out of her way to make you stand out from the crowd.

Derek Duff

Age: 39

Style: This style is all the rage you know.

Derek's claim to fame is that he is a regular customer at HairDoWelly, as he has the fastest growing hair in the west. Only one hair, but it grows really fast and he needs to get it cut every other day which seems a bit extreme. Kylie Wylie has been trying out different gels and ointments in a vain attempt to get the hair to lie down. Hasn't worked so far.

Mr Combover

Age: Indeterminate, possibly 35 or 36

Style: Don't look at the hair, don't look at the hair.

Mr Combover loves his combover because he's absolutely convinced it successfully disguises his bald head. Nuff said.

Once put a rabbit on his head. Someone asked 'did you do that because you think from a distance it'll look like hare?' and he replied 'no, because it's nice and warm.'

Dr Ken Stein M.D

Age: 45½

Style: Nurse! 25cc's vinegar 22ft brown paper quick!

Talented man this, cures every known illness with vinegar and brown paper. "It really works you know, no-one I treat with what I call "the V&BP treatment" ever comes back". Doctor Stein once cured the Provost of a severe dose of exagerration, "Stop exagerrating I said, and the Provost stopped exagerrating there and then, it was amazing".

Got into trouble once for over prescribing Aspirin. Was found not guilty after it was discovered he had a special Disprinsation for it. Issued a statement shortly afterwards saying "I am disappointed to be tried in the court of public opinion before Ibuprofen guilty."

Nurse Hackitt

Age: 32 (oh aye)

Style: Simple, Subtle as a brick

This lady talks very loudly and doesn't mind who's listening. Spent 4 years in a big city hospital before returning to Fraochy Bay where she was born and brought up. "I didn't like the big city, I couldn't tell who was suffering from what because everyone's a stranger, I'm a bit nosey that way, so I came back".

Calum Cnàmhan (a Skeleton)

Age: 486 yrs and 3 months

Style: Bone idle

Calum Cnàmhan, or "Bone-apart" as he likes his friends to call him is a display skeleton who lives in the hospital, when not on display he likes hanging about with his friends - unless he has a bone to pick with them. Stopped working for a while after he was suspended. His job isn't easy but he makes no bones about that although he says "it takes a lot of skull being a skeleton and helps if you're not too marrow-minded". Whenever the hospital is deserted through having no patients Calum finds himself in the building alone meaning that whatever the circumstances there'll always be a skeleton staff on duty.

Franklin James, Josey James and 'Bobban' Charlie Ford
AKA "James Brothers Builders"

Age: (left to right) 48, 38, 28

Style: fistful of Dullards

Rising at dawn the James Brothers rode across the dusty plain til they came to the little town of Fraochy Bay. There they waited beneath the village clock, the town was silent, everyone was hiding and no-one would help the sheriff and so the lone figure of Gary Cooper strode out to meet them. Wait a moment, that was High Noon, I'm getting mixed up. Anyway, they're a bunch of cowboys. Totally.

Ian Czorro - Partner in Payne & Czorro Architects

Age: 43

Style: Frank Lloyd Not-Quite-Right

Architects are shy, misunderstood creatures, much maligned by the construction world generally and Mr Czorro is no exception. Hours spent drafting and redrafting are blown away in the twinkling of an eye when a much loved drawing is handed over to a builder who goes off to make a nice hat with it. Happens all the time.

Father Macleod

Age: 28

Style: Elvis Priestly

Was renowned for being known by everyone and took a bet from a friend that the Pope wouldn't recognise him, so off they went to Rome to settle it. In St Peter's square the Popemobile drove past them and stopped, the Pope got out and came across to Father Macleod and shook his hand. Father Macleod's friend then heard someone in the crowd shout "Hey! Who are those two guys standing in front of Father Bingham?" who was another priest standing in the crowd behind them. No. Doh. I think I got that joke wrong.

Seumas MacCaclafferettry

Age: 29½

Style: Where did the Van Go?

Like most art gallery owners Seumas McClarty owns an art gallery. Doesn't sell a whole lot so do drop in and buy something, he could sure use the monet. He's a nice manet too.

Dick Fish and Harry Crab

Age: 56 and 38 respectively

Style: hahaaar Jim Lad

Dick and Harry have been out there, trying to catch tasty lobsters for you to eat, for nearly 40 years now; Dick since the age of 16 and Harry since two years before he was born. They started off as fishermen but made a cod of that, so they bought a turbot charged boat to try their hand at catching lobster but have been singularly unsuccessful which has made them somewhat crabby. Everyone has their plaice however and these two mak'-a-real effort trying to earn their bread by remaining attentively at their posts all day long - which leads us to suspect that there's a crust-station joke in there somewhere but we're still conferring on that....

Maybe Dick

Age: 243

Style: Whale meat again

Maybe Dick has been running away from Captain Ahab now for nearly 200 years, he's a white whale, a great white whale. His favourite foods are plankton and small boats. When not smashing up small fishing vessels and swallowing people whole he sings loud whale type songs that bounce between the continents and go sort of like this "aoooaaawo-iiiiiieeeeeeee".

Desmond and Edwina Kelp

Ages: 35 and 33 respectively

Style: Let's go over here and look at THIS!

These two hikers have been all over the world and still think that the scenery around Fraochy Bay beats anything they've ever seen. Highly enthusiastic about everything, they love nothing better than exploring some new pathway even though the signs may be pointing out that they are going to their doom. Desmond once went into a jungle past a sign that said 'Warning! Headshrinkers!" and came out an hour later with a very small head. His noggin was restored after Edwina discovered how to attach her bicycle pump to his nose and achieve a complete seal, still took a while to pump his head back up to the right size though.

Farmer Gillies

Age: 48

Style: Get orrf moi laaaand

Farmer Gillies is one of those hands-in-the-soil oo-aaar farmers who just love to stick their arms into the soil and pull out a big dod and say 'oooo-arrrr just look at thaaaat ferrrrtoil ground' except he doesn't speak like a cornish pirate though. Terribly jolly and with a fearsome wife he likes nothing better than leaning on gates after reporting a crime waiting for the police to arrive. Nice tractor too, he loves tractors, stopped liking them but then started liking them again after discovering he didn't enjoy being an extractor fan.

Mrs Farmer Gillies

Age: 48½

Style: I don't suffer my husband gladly

Mrs Farmer Gillies is the one who actually does all the work around the farm, she's also a big fan of all-in wrestling and all the peripheral things surrounding the sport which she says is great agro-culture. Once took part in a tag-team match with Farmer Gillies and won which was a turnip for the books but, hay, you have to try these things.

Caruso

Age: 36

Style: Practice makes perfect

The stages of London and New York are used to the tremendous voices of very talented people, so thank goodness this man has never been anywhere near them. If anyone ever laboured under the misapprehension that they could sing it's him. He does have a nice line in shirts that are loud enough to match the voice, and what a great moustache.

Hector Ugg

Age: 13,463 years

Style: Ugg-aaaaa ugga-ahoo.

Hector has been trapped in this glen since the stone age after becoming trapped when a glacier fell on him. Has acted as consultant on such films as 10,000 Squillion Years BC where the film-makers strove for accuracy in the way the stone-age people spoke and the sort of clothes they wore, especially the women's animal fur bikinis which were actually 100% accurate.

Dino-sore

Age: 162 Million Years

Style: Rrraaaaargh

Just like the loch ness monster this chap has been hidden away and living successfully in a wee glen and nobody has ever seen him before (except Hector Ugg). From the late Plasticine Age, this wee dinosaur is bright green and very friendly but unfortunately looks a bit terrifying. Used to ride about on a horse that didn't have a nice disposition but stopped that because he found it too exhausting - yes, you got it, he used to tire-on-a-sour-horse.

Ann-Diana Jones

Age: 6 and three-quarters

Style: Raiders of the lost sandwich

There's no fear in this wee girl, daring to approach a raging dinosaur when a highly trained teacher and skilled dental surgeon all fled in complete terror. She once tripped over her own shoe laces and fell over which everyone in her primary class thought was pretty stupid so they wrote a short play about it called "Ann- Diana Jones and the Tumble of Dumb".

Edna Bagge

Age: 24

Style: Now now children.

This lady had the gross misfortune to marry Mrs James Bagge and had to change her name from Edna Bucket. It was touch and go for a while though when James Bagge was having serious competition for her affections from Henry Basket. She had a brief but earnest dalliance with a Walter Mackenzie but thought Edna Mackenzie didn't sound right and dumped him. She joins a long line of family members who have married badly for name reasons - such as her sisters Annette Curtin and Iona Daimler.

Gerald Fish (a dentist and abject coward)

Age: 31

Style: Now this won't hurt....much

Gerald's favourite old joke is the classic "what time do you go to the dentist" the answer being "tooth-hurty" (two-thirty or 2:30pm not 2:30am cos that's too early in the morning) which he uses every day to whoever's in the chair even if they've heard it before although he sometimes gets it wrong and says "Fourteenth-hurty" (twenty four hour clock). his favourite film is 'A few good teeth' featuring Tom Cruise which features the lines "I want the tooth" and "you can't handle the tooth".

Herbert McClintock

Age: 28

Style: Noooooooooo

Herbert decided he would start gardening and quickly rose to the challenge, he won't let anything distract him and keeps his two-lips firmly shut if anyone speaks while he's working. He has silly targets sometimes but knows when to discard duff-ideals, he can be forgiven for that though, he's only a begonia.

The Sheep

Ages: 2 to 3½

Style: Munch munch munch munch

Ewe won't believe your eyes at these guys, and ewe wool never see anyone eat quite as much. As well as a neat line in grass and flower munching equipment, these guys specialise in midnight raids on small towns. They are an accurate portrayal of the sheep agenda which is to take over the world...think again if you thought they were merely being lamb-pooned....thought we'd just ram the point home there.

When they have completed their raids and return home, they pay respects to their leader with a rendition of 'fleece a jolly good fellow'.

Provost Winklestein

Age: 57

Style: By the power vested in me.

Alexander Winklestein loves being the Provost. He loves it so much he wears his chain of office everywhere, even in bed. His favourite memories of his time as provost is of course the winning of the Fraochy Bay in Bloom contest and the tremendous joke he told his wife about it afterwards which he intends to have inscribed above the Town Hall doorway as the new Town Motto.

Harriet Winklestein

Age: 53

Style: By the power vested in my husband.

Harriet really hates when her husband wears his chain of office to bed at night. "It tears the duvet cover and is a complete night-mayor" she said.

Hank Mackenzie, Sheep Whisperer

Age: Anybody's guess

Style: Be careful what you wish for...

Hank Mackenzie is one of the old school of sheep handlers who has a habit of hopping between universes to deal with different sheep problems. He told us "In this universe the sheep just eat flowers, that's quite easy to deal with. In the universe I've just come from they steal rocket ships to wage war on the imperial guard of the Emperor Thhhuuuuung and that takes just a wee bit more than a jaw's harp to resolve. One universe I was in the sheep had actually wormed their way into the - ah sorry have to go now" he said as he looked at his wristwatch then leapt into an adjacent vortex and dissappeared. We found out later that he is only able to spend up to ten minutes in each universe vor-tex reasons.

The Fraochy Bay WRI

Age: ranging from 26 to 83

Style: Mum's Army

The Fraochy Bay WRI are a force to be reckoned with. Prepared to repel all boarders who might threaten their floral displays, these ladies will charge and make mincemeat of even the most fearsome of invaders. Once, they had to sail in during the night, climb a cliff in the pitch dark in terrible weather, got captured by the german army, escaped, then destroyed the two large - no wait a minute, that was the Guns of Navarone. We got mixed up.

Lady Primula

Age: 23 (ahem)

Style: Just one more doughnut then I'll stop - honest

The lovely lady Primula has an ongoing battle with her dressmaker who keeps trying to up the size of her clothes. She doesn't regard herself as large, rather everyone else is inadequately sized. As well as being on the town council, she's also heavily involved with the local dance studio and likes nothing better than to strut her stuff in a tutu (although it has since been increased to a fourfour).

Murdo 'Handel' Maciver

Age: 33

Style: Making a concerto-ed effort

Murdo is a concert pianist who jets between the continents giving performances. When he's not there he likes to be here, in Fraochy Bay, where the pace of life is slow and undemanding. Occasionally he gets invited down to the Dance Studio when their gramophone breaks down. He's a verdi happy chap, not at all straussed out, the only thing he really dislikes is if he bumps into Sheena Herzogg in the supermarket when he's in there for his weekly Chopin and she starts Wagner finger at him.

Sheena Herzogg

Age: 25

Style: I'm free as a bird in the sky...look...look

This lady is daft as a proverbial brush. No. Dafter. Originally from somewhere on the continent, could be France, could be Germany, she infuses Fraochy Bay with her exotic interpretations of various types of dance from across the globe. A ballet dancer by training, she had to give up ballet when her hair became too large and has now moved into the world of interpretative dance. She has recently choreographed four dance pieces for the Fraochy Bay arts council; the most remarkable of which was RAFT! 50 days at sea through the medium of modern dance - this piece actually lasts for 50 days.

The male dancers
Adrian, Nigel and Maurice

Ages: 33, 43, 53 respectively

Style: Oh! My back!

They're a game bunch this lot who'll try just about anything to please their dance instructor. When she asks them to do something they never ask "waltz all this about?", and are reel happy tango out of their way to make her smile.

Ivan Allegro

Age: 55

Style: The Hunt for Fred October

Ivan's been underneath the waves for nearly 40 years since accidentally falling into a submarine at the age of 16. He was recently terribly alarmed that a film about Russian Subs was made where the lead character bore an astonishing resemblance to him - but there's no connection whatsoever. When not in charge of Russian Submarines Ivan likes nothing better than to star in blockbusting movies about a british secret agent, Chicago untouchables and Highlanders amongst other things.

Ivan Escort - Sub Comissar

Age: 51

Style: We're Stalin with a chance of winning this war

Never Stalin for time, this chap earns full Marx for Lenin the crew a hand when they most need it. One time on leave when asked by his friend Viktor if he had any problems with the crew he said "only when they're restless, then they can be a bit bolshy Vik".

Ivan Oldbangerski

Age: 47

Style: I'll need a three-eighths wrench for that

Jan has been keeping the submarine - the "Fred October" - afloat now for nearly 25 years. He's nearing retirement age but has elected to stay on for another 40 years, his wife (disappointed he nearly managed to retire) said "sonar and yet so far". The Russian navy gave the sub one of those VAX carpet cleaning machines but Jan accidentally dropped his wrench into it which broke it completely - so he got in trouble for putting a spanner in the VAX.

The New Agers

Ages: Ageless

Style: We feel the rhythm of the stones breathing new life into us etc

Never shying away from the task in hand, these bunch of hard working individuals engage in back-breaking activity intended to improve the lives of everyone around them. Er. No, wait a minute, they're gullible new age hippy types who don't work, they just traipse around the world not working and looking for someone to explain why they're on the planet....waste of space really.

Eldred Wolfsbane (aka Norman Macleod)

Age: 48

Style: A crofter in shaman's clothing

Eldred Wolfsbane has been misleading the masses to enlightenment for a couple of years now. Collecting the faithful from the Fraochy Bay pier, transporting them to the stones, relieving them of their cash and then sending them on their way not "en- lightened" but "somewhat-lightened" Eldred has been cashing in on the gullibility of new-agers ever since the discovery of the Fraochy Bay Standing Stones which were discovered by him in 2008 after appearing suddenly and overnight - completely coincidental to the delivery of large stones to Norman's croft the day before. When asked if he felt guilty about fleecing the poor souls that come to see him he paused and thought for a moment then replied "no".

Norman Macleod (aka Eldred Wolfsbane)

Age: 48

Style: Shaman you Norman, Shaman you.

Norman Macleod in his true form as you would see him on a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon when the Fraochy Bay Standing Stones are closed to the public - can't 'work' every day you know, need some time off.

Mrs Norman Macleod (aka Mrs Eldred Wolfsbane)

Age: 50

Style: Norman! Stop that at once!

Fearsome lady this. Don't let her catch you acting the druid or she'll soon put a stop to it because she stands for no nonsense. Once caused a rift in the Fraochy Bay WRI during the 1987 "butter or marge" scone competition scandal which has never quite healed; it all came to a head when she got up on a table and announced "this has scone far enough, doughnut mess with me, I've bun around long enough to know the difference, I hate margarine, I'll never be a flan of it, it's time to ex-sponge it from our midst once and for all".

Calum French

Age: 36

Style: I'd like to buy a contraption, if you'd be so kind

Calum is a somersault champion and fast walker and it's a good job because he's always in a hurry - because he's always late. Not quite the full shilling, he's very susceptible to the power of advertising and can be frequently seen running towards the Fraochy Bay shop to buy something he doesn't need. He once ran round the reservoir in Central Park in New York several times, then did battle with the ex- nazi dentist for some diamonds but threw them into the water and then the guy fell down the stairs....um....no, sorry, that was Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man, not Calum French - who's never been in anything (except Fraochy Bay).

DJ "DeJay" Fitzgerald - DJ

Age: 27½

Style: Is the microphone on? Is it on? Is it - oh, it's on.

DeJay is a one man broadcasting phenomenon. DJ, newsreader, weatherman and advertising jingle singer, he's got the lot. His favourite radio moment is the time he was trying to get into the nazi castle the "Schloss-Adler" in the snow, high up the mountainside giving the callsign "Broadsword calling Danny Boy, Broadsword calling Danny Boy". No no no, that was Richard Burton in Where Eagles Dare. DeJay's favourite radio moment is singing the Hugh Na Bùtha jingle which you can hear in episode 18.

Gerry 'the van' Van Zellsman, Van Salesman

Age: 43 and a bit

Style: You buy van from mke? Yes?

Gerry hails from the eastern reaches of Europe and came to Scotland because he was hungary to make his fortune. He came over by dinghy and so had to romania mile before he got here; he remarked "the journey is very slovenia go by boat", but he doesn't feel homesick "with the wonders of modern transport I'm really only estonia's throw from home".

Ina Maclean's dog "Toodles"

Age: 4

Style: wuff wuff wuffwuff

Toodles is a lovely big dog, of a Great Dane sort of strain but not quite 100%. He has a bit of labrador in his distant past but has been unable to trace his ancestry further than some 30 generations - which takes him way back to oooh about 1982 but it still gives him paws for thought and he's not sure if he isn't just barking up the wrong family tree anyway.

Mike 'a Dhaibhidh' Macfhlaithbheartaich

Age: 26

Style: How completely brilliant is that?!!

WebTV is Mike's passion. He loves to make programmes that tell the stories that you want to hear. His mostest favouritest of all the programmes he has made is the one about Fraochy Bay's local scone making policeman who told him "we'll soon have you bake behind bars", then there's the one about overfishing in the bay when the fishermen told him "we'll help you make a film about this plaice".

Matron McGGee, matron of the old folks' home

Age: 32

Style: How are we feeling today?

Was once praised as a hero after dealing with Gerry (Van Zellsman, Van Salesman) that day he came in with his newly started performing magic show. The tricks were really bad and all revolved around a top hat that was glued to a trolley covered in a sheet, it was pretty clear that stuff was just being pulled up from the trolley, and you could see things like rabbits looking out from behind the cloth. "Get out" she demanded "I won't have any of your Gerry-hat-tricks in my old folks home".

Fraochy Bay All Stars

Age:All nearing or over 40

Style: take your par'ner by the han'

Throughout the series we've emphasised that there is no similarity to any persons living or dead and these chaps bear no resemblance to the Meantime Ceilidh Band, not at all. The music might sound a bit similar though...ahem...

Shelley

Age:20

Style: It's showbiz. init.

Shelley has an infinite capacity for gossip mags and chocolates. Er. That's it.

Horace - the man on a tyre in the sea

Age: 43

Style: Stop waving, just stop waving

Horace is a chartered list compiler who works for the local council compiling lists of things. His favourite kind of list is his list of stuff down at the pier which he refers as his "list to port", and his other is his list of boards in the cupboard which he calls his "list to storeboard". When not listing he simply has to push off into the ocean waves and float about to relax but he says "Sometimes it's hard being on the sea, you just get wheelly tyred".

Bernard Higgins - Floating balloon capture man

Age: 38

Style: Ooohh hahaaaarrr, oi works on a faaaaaarm you know

Bernard loves the whole balloon methane thing and can't often be seen wafting across the fields clutching his balloon chords as he is blown aloft. When asked did he not think this was a little dangerous replied "I like to think that I'm rising in the course of my career" but we think he's methane the point somehow.

Cedric Atlas - wee strongman

Age: 39

Style: World's Strongest Wee Man

Cedric eats his porridge every morning which might be what makes him abnormally strong. A regular on the Highland Games circuit Cedric is happiest when he's throwing wellies into outer space. He's no dumb belle that's for sure and you won't have to weight long before you see him in action again.

Buck Rothman - Scotsmanaut

Age: 28

Style: Boldly going where no Rothman has gone before

This scotsmanaut has been trained to deal with every situation in space - except an old welly boot hitting his rear end. He's a regular star but still likes his own space. Hurt his knee once and had asteroid injection to cure it. When asked if he likes vegetables replied "I eat them sometimes, but I prefer something a bit meteor".