Wilson Stilson

Age: 38

Style: A Man For Oil Seasons

Well oil be, here’s a man who’s learnt from nature….never bother to feather anyone else’s nest, “I‘d be a fuel if I did“ he protests... If there’s a large pile of money lying around it’s going to be his one way or another “Diesel do for me” he’ll say and “Oil be off then” when it’s all gone. “I have lots of rigs dotted about the place, so I fly around a lot, it takes a lot of time just to petroleum” he explains.

Walter McSwain

Age: 90-something (he’s not sure)

Style: Well dagnabit I don’t know…

Walter’s been diggin’ in them thar hills for the best part of 80 years now, deep under ground while life has sailed past him. Hasn’t found anything in all that time but he still has hope that he’ll make it big just once. His old girlfriend (Arlene) (who was a bit crazy) knitted him a sweater once and said “wear this when you make your first gold strike!” to which he protested “I can’t do that….then it’ll be a claim jumper”. He wanted to marry her but she said he needed his long gone parents permission first (cos he was a miner) so he had to remain single and had to bid her farewell. Can often be heard singing to himself about the memory of his crazy ex girlfriend and her favourite oranges - “Oh Mad Arlene’s Clementines”. Walter’s Donkey (Peigi) is a bit of an ass.

“Teddi”

Age: 9

Style: 9 years I’ve been doing this and I’m bored

We asked Teddi how it felt to spend 9 years in a training scenario and he replied “it Ursa even think about it, I can’t bear it”. We berg to differ though, a stuffed polar bear isn’t much good for anything else really, he’s got a bear faced cheek thinking otherwise. Sadly, Teddi’s adventures come to an end when the iceberg sails off and sinks with him on it. It’s not all doom and gloom though as part of him lives on, his left ear detaches and comes to a rest on the sea bottom becoming a haven for all kinds of fish and corral, it will be known as the Great Bear Ear Reef.

Long John E. Silver

Age: 42

Style: Ahaaar, arrrrrrr, ahaaaar me hearties

Unlike the fictional character Long John Silver from Treasure Island, Long John E. Silver is a fictional character from Fraochy Bay. After a fictional life spent at sea plundering merchant vessels in the Caribbean, Long John has retired to a life of relative peace and quiet on the shores of the bay.
Often heard to say “Pirates are pirates cos they arrrr” Long John has a part time job with the local trading standards office in charge of bakery price inspections - “ahaaarrr I pays close attention to the pie rates, aharrr”, he explained, when not working he likes working out at the local “ahaarrr gym”. Long John can’t read or write, “arrr I never did well at learnin’ ahaaar, cos I got stuck at C”.

Israel Feets

Age: 331

Style: I’ve changed my name you know

Israel Feets only claim to fame is that he used to have the surname ‘Hands’ and was an actual pirate back in the 1700‘s. “Blackbeard the pirate used to make bad jokes at my expense like ‘all Hands on deck’ and things like that, so I changed it”. Israel was second in command to the fearsome Pirate Mr Blackbeard who spent a lot of time making jokes at Israel’s expense, often sending him ashore and then saying to the rest of the crew “Hahaaarrrrr. Look, no Hands”.

Ol’ Benn Gunnn

Age: 78

Style: Messing about in a boat

After being rescued from being marooned on an island, Ol’ Benn Gunnn retired to Fraochy Bay and joined the Lifeguard Coastboat station where he acts as emergency ballast whenever the boat is launched. He owns a boat himself, bought it in a sail, when asked about it he’ll say “I yacht not to tell you, but it’s quite dark inside, the windows are small which makes it really dinghy”. Was once heard to remark “I prefer using the outboard motor ‘cos I’m not oar fond of rowing”.

Farmer John Norman Mclintock

Age: 39

Style: I’ll get you sheep if it’s that last thing I ever do

Most people have never herd of sheep problems, but this farmer has a terrible time keeping control of his prize flock. “Ewe never heard of such a thing” he protested “Sheep muttonying like that, t’ain’t nat’ral, wool I never”. After he got rescued by the lifeguard coastboat they sent him a small bill of £5 for the double-grazings grass seed which left him feeling a bit fleeced. At the next meeting of the Fraochy Bay Crofters Society he protested “The Ram-ifications of sheep muttony are h-ewe-ge”. When transporting his sheep off sheep island Farmer John uses an old World War 2 landing croft.

Dileas

Age: 4 years and 2.5 months (making him 31 and a bit in human years)

Style: I’m staring at you, I’m really staring at you, don’t move, don’t move.

Faithful border collie Dileas is one of those amazing all round achiever dogs who can round up sheep, drive tractors, operate complex machinery and do crosswords. Once helped the Fraochy Bay International Quiz team to victory by shouting out the answers before anyone had a chance to even think!
Q) What are trees covered in? A) Bark!
Q) Sandpaper is…? A) Ruff!
Q) When you light a bonfire it goes…? A) Woof!
Loves to eat carrots and used to eat fresh fruit - only when he was a little melon collie.

Right Honorable Sir Sheriff Principal Prendergast Crumple OBE

Age: 61

Style:You will be taken from this place to another place etc

You should never judge a book by it’s cover, and you should never book a judge by its cover - or cover a judge by its book for that matter - because what you’ll get is Crumple of the Bailey. Though he looks the part and seems to have a firm grasp of things he’s as muddled as can be - so nobody gets longer than 6 months in jail because he has difficulty stringing together a long sentence. Likes to do other things besides sheriffing, as he says himself “I’m only sheriff for a trial period”. Was very disappointed to find he wasn’t going to be a ‘real sheriff’ or get a badge and a six-gun like in the movies.

Court Baillif Quentin Stentin

Age: 59

Style: Always asking for a rise

Quentin’s been dusting off the law books in the Old Fraochy Bailey since he started working there at the tender age of 39½. Apart from telling everyone to rise he doesn’t appear to do much else except look startled whenever anything surprising happens…which is most of the time.
He loves his work so much he takes it everywhere with him, every time he goes into the baker shop he asks for ‘All Ryes’ when he buys bread rolls; insists on eating his rice pudding in the hall (Hall Rice); and spends his nights firing laser beams at owls to scare them away (Owl Rays).
Favourite herb - Bayleaf.

Geoff Beans Procurator Fiscal &
Right Hon Sir Jeffrey Moneybags QC

Age: 43 and 48 respectively

Style: Ying and Yang, right and wrong, toast and cheese

Neither can exist without the other. They represent man’s constant struggle between good and evil. For the fiscal there’s right and wrong, for the QC there’s right and not so right. In the course of a trial they to and fro as if playing tennis - a kind of tennis court.
Geoff Beans is retiring next year early so he can go to fulfil his lifelong dream - to work in the British Museum full time looking after the exotic fish skins section, so he’ll be a pro’ curator (fish scale). QC Moneybags will continue to practice law and earn extraordinary amounts of money. “It is my sincere hope” he announced “to pursue the case of the red river ants that lost their hearing as a result of an explosion last year in Fraochy Bay and I shall continue to fight for the rights of deafened ants everywhere”.

Millie McPherson

Age: 14

Style: Those are not my real parents, honest

Poor Millie McPherson is offspring to the disastrous Zak of Zakatak fame although she doesn’t like to admit to it. She loves Quantum Mechanics for real and got one of those air ionisers for her birthday so she decided to try ionising herself but it broke. Complaining to Zak that the ioniser was no longer working so she couldn’t negatively charge herself he said “are you sure?” and she said “yes, I’m positive”.
Once wrote a scientific paper which postulated that Pavlov’s experiment with the dog would never have worked if there had been no bell. She won a no bell prize for that.

Quentin Crispian

Age: 36

Style: Okay luvs….

This is TV with attitude, directing with purpose. He’s always coming up with great new film ideas, such as the ones he suggested the other day to his boss….. ” what about a trilogy?
No 1 about someone who reads the law, a very dark film.
No 2 about people called Anna and Andrew Jones who’s tent collapses because of a cursed pole and finally
No 3 about the same people who get rescued off a dessert island by the very last lifeboat team in existence….well?”
But his boss said “No, someone’s already made Readers of the Laws (Stark), and Andrew Anna Jones and the tent pole of doom and also Andrew Anna Jones and the Last Crew’s aid.

Zakatak

Age: 38 to 49

Style: We’re the band, the good old Zakatak boys brothers band.

These guys specialise in cover songs. Whenever they cover a song you’ll cover your ears. Sometimes they like to do their own take on a song, producing amongst others such tremendous aberrations as,
-We all live in an Orange Submarine
-Fridge over troubled water
-I did it (get out of) my way
-Home on the oil-fired range
And
-The green green grass of Lawns.
On a cheerier note their farewell concert will be anytime soon if not already passed.

(The Dancing twosome)
Mr Major Brigadier-General (rtrd)Sir Kenneth Belmont-Ogilvie O.B.E
Miss Agnes Clements

Age: 72 & 78

Style: Ah ah ah ah Stayin’ Alive.

These two are doing just that, Stayin’ Alive, by endlessly boogying the days away to the strains of wonderful 1970’s disco dancing music. People often stop and ask them “Waltz all this about then?”
Kenneth was once asked how he managed to remain popular with the ladies and he puts it down to his love of Chinese cookery. “You can tell by the way I use my Wok that I’m a woman’s man” he said. Their two favourite things are when it’s the evening and the sound of the beeps on the radio every hour, or in other word “glad it’s night and the pips”.

The Pirates of Punzance

Age: Not applicable

Style: A bit wooden.

These pirate type chaps took over their ship one day and set the captain and a few others on board a dinghy and sent them off with some provisions. Against all odds the captain made it back to England and immediately organised a ship to go after the rascals and make them pay for their terrible crime. After many years the mutineers were rounded up….and….um…no, wait, that was Mutiny on the Bounty. These guys are just puppets.

Mrs Macpherson

Age: 46

Style: I’m very patient, my husband will grow up eventually

Specialist housewife and very patient lady. She fantasises about another life beyond these walls and writes in her diary about fairy tale adventures and being rescued by handsome princes on horseback….or so Zak thinks anyway, he read her diary one day and saw the following entries…
4th November
Sent the film of Millie’s birthday party to the developers last week but not arrived yet.
14th November
Still nothing. Someday my prints will come.

Addie Johnson M.O.U.S.E

Age: 83

Style: yyye, oh ayyyye, aye.

Member Of Under-rated Structural’n’civil Engineers, or M.O.U.S.E, Addie has been plying his engineering trade up and down the country for nearly two centuries now (this century and last century). “It’s more than joist a job” he trumpets “I-Beam every time I come to work”. His favourite project to date is the river crossing he built outside Inverness, near Moy, on a side road heading south-west-ish just outside the village of Farr. It was the bridge to Farr.

Ebenezer the Town’s Custodian Geezer

Age: 67

Style: The Bells The Bells. Please don’t stop working.

Ebenezer has been looking after the town’s mechanical landmarks since he was a lad. His favourite thing is the town clock with it’s many moving parts and noises. One day some mice moved in causing havoc because he left them too long “it was a big micetake” he wailed. Well known for their propensity to eat everything in sight the pesky rodents ate the clock’s internal wiring. “After I’d notice what happened time stood still. I had to stop what I was doing and go for help - I was making some weights out of old clock parts for my friend Norman, it’s a new range I’m working on in my spare time called ‘Time Weights for Norman’.
“When I came to work here first, I was given the uniform of the man who worked here before me, a man called Murdo, who‘d invented the look. I didn’t like the style, it was similar to what I’m wearing now but I’ve changed bits so you could say it’s more Quasi-Murdo.”

Odrum McOdrum

Age: 34

Style: You are going to be my next meal, yes you are.

Odrum is a veritable mountain of a man, “I don’t Ever-rest” he says loudly, “not even when I’m getting Snowed-on“. “Fuji think you are?” people shout at him from the audience. Favourite wrestling move combines food and forearm, mashed potato spread from elbow to wrist. “Forearm smash, lovely” he growls loudly. Studied for a degree in Astrophysics but was thrown out after his first tutorial which involved writing an essay entitled “stars and why I love them” because he refused to submit. Tried his hand at Sumo wrestling once but gave up saying “it’s impossible, you win Sumo you lose Sumo”.

Gordon MacSporran

Age: 24

Style: Pure wrestling gold (paint)

Gordon is like a wound up energy thing. Boundless enthusiasm, endless vim and vigour, huge dollops of oil and massive hair and teeth all go to make up the dynamic duo of Gordon and his Personality. Once he was continually thrown around the ring, spending more time in the air than on the ground, during one encounter with Odrum McOdrum and afterwards was asked the question “how do you feel” to which he replied “I’ve just suffered a bout of flew”.
Not always the victor he was seen trying to light his fire at home using a match but it refused to do anything, he struggled gamely but the match overpowered him and had him lying on the hearth rug in a half nelson. “Don’t worry” he patiently explained to his bemused house guests “it’s a wrestling match“. Gordon’s never late as he likes to arrive for each match as oily as possible.

Katerina Blott

Age: 39 and the rest

Style: Aha! An excuse to burst into song

Katerina is a singer who was rescued from the deep sea - she’s a deep sea diva. She has a Verdi poor singing voice and can often be seen Wagner finger at people who criticise it because she finds that sort of thing Straussful.
Once appeared at the Fraochy Bay playhouse to poor reviews and is very reluctant to do so again “Once Britten twice shy” she explained. She appears to be rubbish but we think she’s Haydn something, can’t get a Handel on what though.

Mo’ Unster

Age: 42

Style: Like several different people all at once

People always get it wrong. Frankenstein was the name of the the doctor not the creature who didn’t have a name so we’re calling him Mo’…. Mo’ Unster, which makes him Frankenstein’s Mo’ Unster. He’s very appreciative of everything that the good doctor has done for him “He always wanted me to get a head. Must’ve cost him an arm and a leg though. He keeps asking people to lend him a hand. Yesterday I was out for a walk and got stranded when bits of my feet fell off, so he called for a toe truck. Came to me this morning with two large parts of what looked like legs and said ‘try these on for thighs’. Ordered some replacement ears for me too but they never arrived so he wrote the company a letter which began ‘owed ear what can the matter be’."

Brian The Wolfman

Age: 39

Style: Not to scarey and not too wolflike

Brian puts the ‘man’ into ‘Wolfman’. You can lycan him to a sheep in wolf’s clothing. “It’s just a costume” he pants after running away from Ina Maclean and her vampire bat “it’s a wolf suit and I just put it on - wearwolf you see?”

Count Davey Dracula

Age: 578

Style: Hehehehhhh, fancy a bite?

He’s not really a vampire, he’s actually a Gaelic Teacher when he’s not pretending to bite people. Definitely not to be confused with THE Count Dracula, a hideous fictional character. Davey Dracula is frequently to be found on the silver screen trying to marry sirens, terrifying old ladies and speaking gaelic.
When not teaching or acting up, Davey spends his time burning wrecked vehicles for a hobby. He was burning a pile of old transits once and was asked “What’s that then?” to which he replied “It’s a van pyre”, then added “from transit-van-ia”…..